NOT Fine, Just Used to It

"Mommy, are you okay?"

It's a question my daughter had asked before. A question I could answer without thinking. A question I had become very good at answering…"Mommy's fine."

The thing about that answer is that I wasn't fine. Not even close. I had been crying before anyone else woke up. That wasn't unusual back then. I had gotten pretty good at falling apart in private and pulling myself together before the rest of the world needed something from me.

I was exhausted.

This exhaustion wasn’t the kind of tired that comes from a busy week or a few bad nights of sleep. My exhaustion settled into my bones after years of carrying things I was never meant to carry by myself. I hadn't really slept in months.

My body hurt and mind wouldn't stop racing. I felt like I was drowning BUT when people asked how I was doing, I smiled and said I was fine. What else was I supposed to say? The truth felt too heavy. It was inconvenient. The truth made people uncomfortable. So I became fluent in fine.

Maybe you have too. Maybe you've mastered the art of telling people you're okay because explaining what's actually happening feels exhausting.

I thought that too. Then, I died.

6 years ago I had a heart attack…unexplained sudden cardiac arrest. I freaking died 🫤. I still struggle to wrap my mind around that sometimes. When people hear my story, they often focus on the cardiac arrest itself. The medical emergency. The survival. The miracle. All of which is truly a blessing. However, what changed me wasn't just what happened that day. It was what I finally understood because of it.

For years, I had been gaslighting myself. Everything meaningful in my life was waiting for some imaginary future version of me who would finally have enough time, enough energy, enough money, enough certainty. The problem with later is that later isn't promised.

If there's anything dying taught me, it's that.

Five months after my cardiac arrest, life threw another curveball. I lost vision and hearing on my left side. (YAY me 🙄) Another diagnosis. Another loss. Another reminder that life can change in a single moment.

I wish I could tell you I handled all of it gracefully. I didn't.

I was angry.

I was scared.

I was frustrated.

I was grieving, not just my health but also my independence.

In that grief, I started seeing things differently. For the first time, I stopped asking how I could get back to who I was before and I started asking whether I even wanted to. If I'm honest, the woman I was before wasn't okay.

That's when I realized that "fine" had never actually been fine. Fine was fear. Fine was settling. The truth is, I think a lot of us are in this space. “Not fine. Just used to it”.

Joy isn't something you stumble into. It's something you choose. Sometimes it's a tiny choice. Choosing joy sounds beautiful until you realize it often requires change, and change is uncomfortable, but so is staying stuck.

These days when I think about that morning, I don't focus on the tragedy of it. I focus on the gift. My last breath became the first breath of a life I actually wanted to live.

So let me ask you something.

What are you calling fine right now? (and if you were completely honest with yourself, what would you call it instead?)

That's where change starts. It starts with telling yourself the truth. Sometimes the truth is ugly. For me, it took dying to realize I wasn't really living. I'm not suggesting life has to knock you flat on your back before you finally pay attention. I'm suggesting you don't wait for it to. Life is happening right now.

Six years later, I'm grateful for the life I have, but I'm even more grateful that I stopped settling for "fine" because fine was keeping me alive. The truth is what finally set me free.

If you're in a season of redefining your own fine, I have resources that can help. Whether you're looking for practical tools, deeper self-reflection, support, or simply a place to start, I've created them with you in mind.

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Fine isn't the goal. The goal is building a life that feels so aligned, so intentional, and so authentically yours that you no longer have to convince yourself you're okay. You simply are.